Garrick Theatre – until 16 September, UK tour until 14 October 2023
Reviewed by Claire Roderick
2**
The historical facts about Colonel Blood’s attempt to steal the crown jewels in 1671 – crown jewels kept in a cupboard in the Tower of London guarded by an ex-soldier in his seventies who happily opens the cupboard for visitors to admire, the thief dressed as a priest with an actress posing as his wife – are pure comedy gold. Unfortunately, Simon Nye’s retelling of the story misses the mark spectacularly. There are the bones of a good show here, but one in need of a lot of development. The main issue is that the play has no sense of identity. Nye doesn’t seem to have made his mind up whether he’s writing a historical drama, slapstick comedy, musical, adult panto or themed standup show – and even this stellar cast cannot redeem the muddled writing. The most enjoyable parts of the show, creating the true belly laughs, are Al Murray doing a regal version of his audience interaction dragging in the wonderful Adonis Siddique as his sycophantic footman, and Murray and Mel Giedroyc riffing ridiculously off each other and corpsing. In truth, scenes without Murray and Giedroyc fall flat and it feels as if Nye gave the pair free rein with their parts, while the rest of the cast stick to the script and therefore pale in comparison.
As the play moves from the plotting to the robbery, chase and capture of the perpetrators, Aidan McArdle, Neil Morrissey, Joe Thomas and Tanvi Virmani do their best as the conspirators Colonel Blood, Captain Perrot, Tom Blood Jnr and Jenny Blaine, but the fascinating quirks of all these characters are mere throwaway lines as the play grinds towards the heist. Director Sean Foley does his best to keep the pace up, with some lovely scene changes on Michael Taylor’s eye-catching set, but it does become a grind. There is some fine physical comedy and visual gags but, to paraphrase the people sitting around me “We were just waiting to see what Al Murray would do next”. Luckily, Murray and Giedroyc also play the jewels’ guardian, Talbot Edwards and his wife, with Carrie Hope Fletcher as their daughter Elizabeth. Mrs Edwards’ entrepreneurial endeavours creating baked replicas of the crown jewels to sell to visitors labours the double meaning and although Giedroyc is hilarious, she deserves better, sharper writing. Carrie Hope Fletcher gives her all in her roles as Elizabeth and Charles’s lady of the bedchamber, demonstrating her formidable comedy chops and delivering songs and accepting applause with seventeenth century style, but the songs are bad. This may be the joke as she sings of singing a terrible terrible song at one point, but they are not bad enough to be funny, merely tedious, and a massive waste of Fletcher’s talent.
The meeting between the captive Blood and Charles II as he decides Blood’s fate should be a HUGE moment in the play, ripe for drama and comedy – instead it is dull, shenanigans with a banana being the most memorable moment, making the epilogue about Blood’s fate and his cod-philosophical musings seem tacked on and a time filler while the stage is prepared for the big finale. (At least it wasn’t a singalong like a panto – although that might have been more fun.)
Fans of Al Murray will love The Crown Jewels, and there are enough gags that hit home to satisfy for a fun night out. But as a play, The Crown Jewels needs industrial scale polishing to become a coherent and enduring production.
UK tour dates
19 – 23 September The Lowry, Manchester
25 – 30 September Marlowe Theatre, Canterbury
3 – 7 October New Theatre, Cardiff
10 – 14 October Milton Keynes Theatre, Milton Keynes